Picture of a Funny Old Person
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.
He's explaining Facebook to old people.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
The Silent Fart
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
I am quite old, so I wasn't shocked today during a
thorough inspection to find that I had a gray pubic
hair.
The other people on the elevator seemed pretty surprised, though.
(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?
So that deaf people can enjoy them too!
His Girlfriend just broke up with him.
After a long day at work he comes home to find more bad news. He walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a backpack.
He asks "Honey I had a bad day at work please don't leave me"
She replies "You don't think I would have found out would you? People are telling me that you're a sick pedophile"
He angrily replies "OHHHH Big word coming from a 12 year old"
edit **thanks ctechastronomy
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Four old ladies were sitting together...
The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"
This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard.
One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said,
"They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."
You can explore old people people reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean old people beat dad jokes. There are also old people puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
You can tell monopoly's an old game...
...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail
Old Soviet joke
People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'
Why do old people read the bible so much?
I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?"
He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"
What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?
GET OFF MY LAN!
The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
Grandmas don't know everything.........
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
i took my 19 year old girlfriend to dinner and people called me pedophile...
completely ruined our 10th anniversary
They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile
Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds
A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...
A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."
A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church..
She says to the son, "Get up its time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom, "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old. And 3) You're the priest."
Pedophiles
2 in 3 people live next to a pedohpile.
I don't.
I live next to 2 smoking hot 8-year olds.
Why do old people read the bible so much?
Cramming for finals :)
My 8 year old son wrote this...
What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?
A poultry-geist.
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
Why are there so many old people in Church?
They're cramming for the final
People say Millennials are entitled...
but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks
This joke brought to you by my ten year old son
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
They say 1 in 12 people live next door to a paedophile
I don't, I live next door to 2 stunning 12 year olds
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...
She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.
How to tell if you are old?
Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.
And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"
Why do old people start reading the bible more often?
They are studying for their final exam.
Age old debate.
People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
How to find out if you're old or not:
Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic, you're old.
My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes
And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...
A young man is taking a driving test
The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial
I guess I'm just a late boomer.
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people?
Cramming for the final.
Wife: I'm going to donate all my old clothes to starving people
Husband: Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothes, isn't starving...
Why dont you ever see beggers over 65?
Because old people hate change
There was a man once who was named "Odd"
He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish and put up a blank headstone.
Later when people were passing by his grave, they would look at his blank headstone and say - "Hmmm. Thats Odd".
The secret to a long life.
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
There's a crippled old beggar on a sidewalk in El Paso with a sign and a paper cup..
A businessman stops, reads the sign that says 'Disabled Vet' and decides to give him a few dollars.
"Look on the bright side," he says. "Things could be worse- you could be blind!"
"I know what you mean.." says the beggar, "When I was blind, people only gave me pesos!"
Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)
He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.
"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.
"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll tell you what. It can say 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"
"But then they won't know it's me."
"Of course they will. People will read it and say 'That's strange.'"
An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery
The police reports over 3.500 dead people
Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up?
In an elderly fashion. (So proud)
My friends 8 year old brother kept asking LGTBQ people what LGTBQ meant.
He kept complaining he couldn't get a straight answer!
Source: https://jokojokes.com/old-people-jokes.html
0 Response to "Picture of a Funny Old Person"
Post a Comment